Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.

Bailey Sergott (763)

Imagine opening up a business and deciding what products you would like to sell. The first step would most likely be to do some research on the products you are considering. A tremendous amount of research goes into a business before it gets going. If a business is going through a period of time where they are getting an unusual amount of negative complaints, they would probably reach out to those customers and listen to what had happened, in order to fix it. A business does not read customer reviews to see whether they agree or not, but to see through the perspective of their customers and find out what needs to change. This is the process of seeking to understand and then to be understood. Now, this sounds very simple but people often do not try to understand any other perspective, except their own. Everyone lives in their own paradigm and it can be difficult to view a situation through a different paradigm. People are taught reading and writing skills throughout their whole life, but few people are taught listening skills. When you hear about good listening the first thought that people usually think of is “active listening.” But, good listening is so much more in depth than just actively hearing what someone has to say.

Autobiographical Responses

There are four different autobiographical responses that we tend to respond with. The first one is evaluating. We evaluate everything that we hear and decide whether we agree or disagree. The second autobiographical response is to probe or in other words ask questions. We ask questions from our own thoughts and beliefs to relate it to what we know. Another thing that we tend to do is advise. We relate what we hear to similar events in our own life, and then give advice based on our own experience. The last autobiographical response is interpreting. We do this because we want to figure people out, and understand their intentions and behavior. These four responses come very natural to us and prove that we are actively listening to someone. But, active listening is not always the most effective way to communicate. Logos, pathos and ethos are the three words that contain the information to seek first and then understand. Logos is your personal credibility and the trust you inspire, ethos is reasoning, and pathos is your empathetic side, showing emotion.

Empathetic Listening

Listening empathetically is much different than just being an active listener. Empathic listening is when you are listening, only to try to understand. In Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Covey says that, “If you really seek, to understand, without hypocrisy and without guile you will literally be stunned with the pure knowledge and understanding that will flow to you from another human being.” Active listening and reflective listening are both techniques that show you are paying attention but they are both skill based. Covey explains that those responses are autobiographical. To listen empathically is easy to remember as listening with empathy. Listening with empathy can help see from another person's perspective, to understand their paradigm. Sympathy is different from empathy. Sympathy is a form of judgement or agreement. Empathy is not an agreement at all, but a deep understanding or trying to deeply understand. Empathic listening is not just listening with your ears, but with your ears, eyes and heart. Listening with empathy creates a large deposit in someone's Emotional Bank Account, which builds trust. Seeking first to understand, then to be understood is something you are always in control of. It is another way Covey talks about the inside-out approach.

Final Thoughts

To be an influencer, the key is to be influenciable. The deeper you are able to understand someone, the more you will respect and appreciate them. This habit is something everyone can work on everyday in almost all aspects of life. If people do not want to open up, you can still be empathetic. You can sense someone’s hurt or happiness and attempt to talk to them, even if they do not reply, you have shown understanding and respect. An important thing to remember is that empathetic listening only works, if someone is being truly genuine and sincere. If it is not sincere then Covey suggests, not to even attempt empathetic listening. Learning to listen deeply will help you discover huge changes in perception. This skill is right in the middle of your Circle of Influence meaning it is something that you can always work on. It is something you can start to practice now.